People Who Just Need to Shut Up

By Tim Hayes

Good Lord, it’s hot in this house. No air conditioning in late July. Two fans going, and little relief. Has me feeling a little cranky. Like I’d really enjoy letting some people have it, who so richly deserve it. Care to join me?

Great. Here are all the people I’d like to tell to just shut up, already. Here goes, sentence structure and proper punctuation be damned!

Tom Brady – shut up and take your four-game NFL suspension medicine…you have successfully morphed from someone we hated out of resentment for your talent and success, into someone we hate because you’re a liar and a spoiled crybaby…you can take this appeal all the way to the Supreme Court, and you may win a legal victory, but the verdict has been handed down already in the court of public opinion, and you are guilty, you jerk…here’s something you may want to write in the margins of your playbook – if you act suspiciously, people will suspect you…trust and honor, once broken and smeared, may never be regained, you dope.

Donald Trump – shut up, enjoy your gazillions, and leave the rest of us in peace…the very thought of a loud-mouthed bully like this actually getting elected President should make us all worried, mortified, and scared silly…his jokes are not funny, his assumptions have Mack Truck-sized holes in them, and his off-hand remarks are insulting and illustrative of his archaic thinking…a breath of fresh air?…perhaps, but let’s hope that this particular bull-in-a-china-shop-scented breeze blows out to sea before it’s too late.

Tonja Carter – shut up and go away, or better yet, to go confession…this self-styled “estate trustee, lawyer, and friend” of 89-year-old author Harper Lee “accidentally” discovered the manuscript to the now-released novel Go Set a Watchman and has been enjoying the financial returns of its rocket-rise to the top of the best-seller list, even though the story was unevenly written, poorly edited, and never properly prepared for publication…but no matter – there’s money to be made!…even though doubt remains as to whether Ms. Lee truly understood what her “friend” rushed into release seemingly without so much as a cursory proofreading or professional edit, betting on the cash value of public curiosity about the writer of “To Kill a Mockingbird”…an absolutely shameless exploitation of an elderly person for what sure feels like a hefty money grab.

Bill Cosby – shut up and pray for mercy…in what may be the greatest modern example of a hero having feet of clay, the mounting evidence – including his own deposition testimony – sure makes it look like “America’s Dad” has behaved in shockingly disgusting and distressing ways, and over multiple decades…it’s one of the oldest lessons in the world, and one that people century after century never seem to learn – with fame, notoriety, riches, and success come the lure of infallibility, or at least the twisted belief that you’ll never get caught, and even if you are caught, that you’ll never suffer the consequences…it’s baffling, enraging, and most of all absolutely wrong, and we’re watching a formerly universally beloved figure get swallowed up and justifiably trampled by the shameful truth.

And last, but certainly not least…

The Entire Kardashian/Jenner Bunch, Including Their TV Producers – please, dear God in Heaven, shut up and crawl back into your Sears-fashion hole in the ground as soon as humanly (or whatever it is you are) possible…yes, Bruce/Caitlyn has been so noble, so brave, but has anyone else noticed that he/she also stands to make a ton more money from exploiting all this nobility and bravery in yet ANOTHER standalone TV show?…the moronic people featured on these shows belong in the Parenting Hall of Shame, both generations…how do they sleep at night, knowing that they have sold out their children’s lives for the sake of a quick score?…please shut up and disappear!

That’s my no-air-conditioning-in-this-house-while-it’s-96 degrees-outside rant. I feel better, if not cooler. Quitting now, before you tell me to shut up next.