Thoughts I Think I Think – Timothy Hayes

By Tim Hayes

Settling into the coming autumn, with cooler temps and a more regular routine taking shape, the mind has a way of calming down, and all of a sudden I’m faced with contemplating certain random thoughts I think I think. When I think I think about them, that is.

Why does such a vicarious thrill arise when, as you add or subtract figures in your checkbook, the next number comes out to an even dollar amount? I mean, no one else in the world knows about it. No one else would even care. And you know it won’t be long until the next bill has to be paid, and your beautiful, clean, nice, even dollar figure – with no cents at all! – disappears forever. Goofy, I know.

Why do you park on a driveway, and drive on a parkway? A question sure to haunt us for generations.

Heard a commercial for a mattress store on the radio the other day that completely freaked me out. It warned all of us that, if we used the same mattress for more than eight years, we would be condemning ourselves to sleeping atop literally “pounds of dead skin and gallons of sweat” trapped inside that old mattress. If the person who wrote that commercial meant to scare the bejeeus out of people, congratulations. Mission accomplished. But because of that dirty trick, the LAST place I’m buying a new mattress is that store. Nobody likes a bully, even in retail.

You know how on occasion we hear of people seeing visions of religious icons or historical figures in weird places, like the condensation between their glass patio sliding doors, or in an oil puddle on a garage floor? Now, I could be completely off-base here. Don’t quote me on this. But the other day, as I looked at a nectarine on my kitchen windowsill that had begun to shrivel up, I swear I could see the silhouette of the late, legendary Pirates manager Danny Murtaugh. Not sure about this, and I hesitate sharing it here. But I knew I could trust you with this information. Don’t tell anybody, okay?

Never been overly impressed with teeny-bop singer Demi Lovato, but there’s a public service TV commercial she appears in now that I like. In it, she explains that before she gets behind the wheel of her car, she Tweets “#x” to let her Twitter friends know not to send her any messages while she’s driving. Nice, Demi. Here’s hoping more young people do the same. We almost got into a head-on collision about a month ago, when a teenager crossed the center line and sped right for us. His face was – where else? – buried in his smartphone. Only my car horn and some evasive action spared all of us from a world of hurt.

The Marvel movie, “Guardians of the Galaxy” has remained at the top of the box office receipts for weeks, and the soundtrack – a collection of songs culled exclusively from the 1970s – stands at No. 3 on this week’s Billboard Hot 100 album chart. To everyone who has ever given me grief about my proclivity and penchance for seeking out, listening to, and thoroughly enjoying songs from my high school and college years, the ‘70s – and who now, FINALLY, belatedly, have joined the party: You’re welcome. Now please give me a break, will ya?

With each passing day, the genius of Albert Einstein becomes ever more apparent, remembering his quote: “It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.” And he said that more than five decades ago. He’d be a lot more than appalled today. He would barely be able to see appalled in the rear-view mirror.

Well, back to the kitchen now, to see if I can spot any other famous faces in the dried-up fruit.